Shahenshah!

The internet is basically the best thing ever. I only very recently discovered just how great YouTube really is. To quote Michael Scott from The Office, "When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times." Well, I don't understand what's so funny about Chocolate Rain; the lyrics are stupid, and Tay Zonday's Tom Jones-like voice is totally wasted on that crap. But just a little while ago I was searching to see if there were any videos for an Icelandic group I recently discovered called Andhéri. I didn't find any, but apparently the word "andheri" is in the title to the theme song for a hilariously bad Bollywood film from 1988 called Shahenshah, which is Persian for "King of Kings." And this is how I discovered the Indian Chuck Norris.

I hope those of you who read this blog regularly (possibly half a dozen now!) find this as hilarious as I do. I watched several YouTube clips from this movie, and laughed so hard I have to share. I have no interest in actually watching this movie, though, because it's nearly three hours long, and I don't think there are subtitles. Shahenshah is about a crime-fighting superhero who according to Wikipedia is supposed to be kind of like Batman. He wears all black, but on his right arm is the shiniest chain-mail I've ever seen, and with that arm he can basically punch through anything. In his left hand he carries a noose. It's not just any noose, it's the noose his father hanged himself with because he couldn't bear the shame of being framed for a robbery. Guess what Shahenshah's motivation is? Revenge, of course!

As a kid, Vijay (Shahenshah's real name) is taken in by a cop, and grows up to be a cowardly inspector who is also corrupt, working for the criminal organization that framed his father. That's what everyone thinks, anyway. He's really a super-cool awesome butt-kicking machine who uses his cover to get closer to the guys that framed his dad, so he can kill 'em! That's all you need to know (and more), now enjoy a few bits of awesomeness from the Indian Chuck Norris!

Here is when Inspector Vijay decides to arrest the main bad guy. Just hit stop when he gets in jail, the arrest is the funny part.

Even better, here is where the villain's chick reveals she's an undercover agent! I think this clip goes before the other one, but it's funnier and I'm keeping the best for last. Other than the most incredible death acting ever, I love that Vijay says in English "situation is completely under control," and "he's alive?" Oops, I spoiled the surprise twist, which I can't help but compare to the end of Back to the Future. This clip stays funny, but you might as well stop after the villain reveals the secret to his miraculous recovery.

After arresting the main villain, Vijay drops the idiot routine, goes and gets his hair done, waits a few days for his beard to grow in, and puts on his Shahenshah outfit so he can go bust up the rest of the villains. This clip has his super-scary entrance, then a minute of monologuing in Hindi, then some super-awesome fighting to make Walker, Texas Ranger proud. Check out Shahenshah's signature move every time he busts another bad guy!

And the best ever, after getting his revenge, Shahenshah goes around doing good to an awesome theme song. Sure, he can beat down bad guys, but besides that look what a nice guy he is! Plus, what a catchy tune!

By now your brain probably needs to heal, so to counter that I should put something of quality in this post. I didn't find any Andhéri music on YouTube, but I found another Icelandic artist, Ólafur Arnalds, who is also very good. So let Síðrokkarinn by Ólafur Arnalds chase away the horror of Shahenshah (this is actually good, I promise!):

I hope that makes up for the rest of this post.

Shahenshah!