A Letter of Complaint

I recently received a letter calling me to account for apparently everything I've ever said. I have decided to share it here:

Mr. Daniel Little's worst transgressions are systematically whitewashed by the press. To counteract that whitewash, I will use the remainder of my space here to expose Mr. Little for who he really is. First things first: At this point in the letter I had planned to tell you that Mr. Little's cat's-paws have decided, behind closed doors and in closed sessions, to spit on sacred icons. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that he leads me to believe that he is obnoxious. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion in which I argue that if there's one thing that Mr. Little's good at, it's spreading the germs of hatred, of discord and jealously, of dissolution and decomposition. I like to speak of him as "snivelling". That's a reasonable term to use, I profess, but let's now try to understand it a little better. For starters, by reveling in grammatically incorrect English, Mr. Little slaughters our idiom and impoverishes our dialogue. To say anything else would be a lie.

While I can't speak for anyone else, I suspect that Mr. Little says that he needs a little more time to clean up his act. As far as I'm concerned, Mr. Little's time has run out. The space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which he has tried to destroy our youths' ability to relax, reflect, study, and meditate. Although the Gospel According to Mr. Little says that five-crystal orgone generators can eliminate mind-control energies that are being radiated from secret, underground, government facilities, I contend that he has come up with proven methods to lead to the destruction of the human race. All you have to do is let your guard down. He has stated that the world is crying out to labor beneath his firm but benevolent heel. That's just pure negativism. Well, in Mr. Little's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that because of Mr. Little's obsession with nepotism, in order to convince us that he has achieved sainthood, Mr. Little often turns to the old propagandist trick of comparing results brought about by entirely dissimilar causes.

Mr. Little has commented that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. I would love to refute that but there seems to be no need, seeing as his comment is lacking in common sense. We must step back and consider the problem of his utterances in the larger picture of popular culture imagery. By "we", I mean all the hundreds of thousands who fundamentally long for the same thing without, as individuals, finding the words to describe outwardly what they inwardly visualize. As I conclude this letter, let me remind you that my goal in writing it was not only to restore the world back to its original balance. I sought also to use this letter as a means to illustrate the virtues that Mr. Daniel Little lacks—courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry.

Actually, I got this idea from another blog, and the letter was generated by the Online Complaint Generator. The one on the other blog, though, had the word "phallocentrism", and mine didn't, so I'm jealous.