100th Post

Guess what? As of this posting, I have written in my blog 100 times. Funny how this comes in the middle of me hardly posting anything at all... I don't really have any special or amazing Earthshaking topic to write about. I figured instead, considering that my audience of loyal followers has drastically increased since I started blogging last year (increased by several hundred percent if you look at it one way, increased from one to three or four if you look at it another way), I will highlight a few of my favorite posts over the last year and a half. Since every single post is brilliant and worth re-reading multiple times, I will have to be very choosy to select only a few to highlight.

So where do I begin? Google Analytics says that my extra-important post about Velociraptor Awareness Day has recently surpassed my post about the threat imposed on mankind by Polar Bears as my most visited post. Both are masterpieces of online journalism if I may say so myself. Also popular are my report on the Apocalyptica concert my wife and I attended, and the one about the health benefits of rhinotillexomania (eating boogers), even though I only mention eating boogers at the end of the post. In fact, this one gets Googled quite a bit, and it's funny to see how many ways people search for it. I bet most of those people leave as soon as they see I start by talking about the Olympics and Hiroshima.

But what are my favorite posts? Other than all of them, here is a top ten best ever posts in my blog, chosen by me, in reverse chronological order:

Pogonology (8/5/2009): Probably my most (as in only) anticipated blog post ever. Photos of my beard from a couple years ago, photos of my extremely huge five-month beard from this year, and interesting photos of me taking it off in stages. My favorite is the Ambrose Burnside look. As a bonus, more pictures of beards I admire than anyone ever asked for!

Live Free or Die Harder with a Vengeance (5/4/2009): This one mostly makes this list because of how proud I am that I came up with such a clever title for the post, meshing together the names of all four Die Hard movies. I justify putting it in this list because it's an excellent (I say) review of four very good movies.

Velociraptor Awareness Day (4/18/2009): This was just way too fun, and it's fun to see people Google image searching "velociraptor" and ending up here, because I did that search to find those images and put the best ones in this post. I still recommend doing an assessment of your Velociraptor attack preparedness, and joining the Velociraptor Awareness Coalition (VAC) on Facebook. You can never be too prepared.

Apocalyptica (10/26/2008): This is by far the coolest concert I've ever been to, not that I've been to a whole lot of this type of concert. These guys are one of my top five favorite bands of all time, and put on an awesome show, running around on stage with electric cellos, head banging with long hair to speed metal music played on cello. I never thought I could temporarily lose some of my hearing because of cellos, but it's possible. If you don't know these guys, watch some of the YouTube videos in the post (some may be taken off YouTube by now, who knows), and if you do know them, you will still enjoy watching.

Polar Bears: Number One Threat to America! (8/23/2008): This is one of my pet peeve topics, Global Warming. It is one of the four main ways socialists are trying to take over America (the other ways are through government health care, the minimum wage, and the judicial system, though I'm sure there are more ways as well). The science has been pushed aside and drowned in politics, and the issue has been obfuscated to death. It is not, and never has been, about saving the Earth (which does not need saving and we couldn't if we needed to), but about power and control through the redistribution of wealth, and this power is gained by spreading fear and misinformation. This post is still relevant a year later, and will be for years to come, and it was also fun to write. This is a very important issue for every American to be educated on. I like all my political posts, but I try to space them out so this doesn't turn into a purely political blog, and I decided only to put a couple of those posts in my top ten list.

Peace through Superior Firepower (8/6/2008): Another important issue that people tend to be ignorant of. People like to say how horrible it was that we nuked Japan, not knowing how many millions of innocent lives were saved by ending that war as soon as possible with the complete unconditional surrender of Japan being the only viable option. Negotiation only works when you have something to back up your words. "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Or, as the villain in National Treasure says (roughly paraphrased), "the thing about bluffing is that sometimes you have to be holding all the cards." Saddam Hussein made a bad move bluffing to the world that he had weapons of mass destruction stockpiled when he didn't... it led to the toppling of his evil government and his death (better late than never). The world can only be stable if America is holding all the cards, i.e. has all the weapons.

Good Books and Bad Books (8/2/2008): Another great controversial post, about a topic I absolutely hate but can't get away from: Twilight (I like to pronounce it twih-ligt, like Dwigt). I really, really hate these books. They're not just annoying, they are detrimental to society. I am not happy about the fact that all four books are in my house on my bookshelf, but there's nothing I can do about it. I did, believe it or not, watch the movie, but I haven't reviewed it yet. It wasn't so bad, but is still not the amazing better-than-Harry-Potter thing that everyone says it is (that's what brought it to my attention, is that unforgivable comparison). I'm sure I'll have to see New Moon, but at least I don't have to read any more of the books. I may write more on this in the near future, since I have comments on the movie that I think are interesting and relevant to movie critiquing in general. Meanwhile, I will continue to boycott these books (not ban them, I am against banning these things on principle).

Fun with Global Warming (6/29/2008): This isn't the heavy political post you might think it is, though there's a bit of important social commentary that goes along with it. This is actually a humor post. It's a bunch of unintentionally funny statements from college students who, frighteningly enough, will be future elementary school teachers. This is worth a read if you want a good laugh. I actually have a new batch of these coming in the near future. I think so, anyway...

Why Is It So Cool to Hate Wal-Mart? (6/18/2009) and follow-up (6/19/2008): Another one of my pet peeve topics, the blaming of big, successful corporations for all of America's problems rather than giving them the credit they deserve for making our economy go. I hate hearing good companies made into scapegoats. Wal-Mart, Halliburton, McDonald's, every big oil company ever, etc. Without these companies our economy would grind to a halt, but successes like these threaten the dependence of us common folk on Big Government, the true source of all our problems.

Iceland (5/22/2008), More Iceland (6/19/2008), and More Photos of Iceland (10/11/2008): I am obsessed with Iceland. I will visit there someday. I love the music, I love the geology, and I love the scenery. Björk, Emilíana Torrini, Sigur Rós, múm, GusGus, and Ólafur Arnalds are all from there, just to name a few amazing musicians. These are quick reads, because all you really have to do is look at the pictures. You won't regret it. I'll probably find more photos of Iceland in the future.

So what is in store for this blog in the near future? Will I succeed in reviving it from its moribund state? I think so. I have many old posts to follow up on with new exciting things to say, and I have several dozen movies I want to talk about. I've also been very frustrated with the prospect of writing a political post, since things are moving along so fast and the destruction of this country by the most America-hating President we've ever had (i.e. the first one, who still hasn't proven he's even a citizen of the country he is governing) is just depressing to think about. I don't know where to start! This health care fight is the most important war our country has ever fought, and we are fighting our own President. We really may become the American Socialist Republic very soon unless Obama's inevitable overreaching happens soon enough. Enough of that... I'll save it for a future post.

Don't worry, if all goes well this blog will be alive and well very soon!

Follow-Up: The Sentencing

Who killed my blog? It seems to be dead. Only six posts in the past three months? My only excuse is that I have been extremely busy with way too many extra important things (I've been playing a lot of Civilization IV lately). So quit complaining. Those pesky Zulu must be dealt with!

If you read the title of this post, you know it is a follow-up to something I've written before. You're probably confused about the other part of the title, though, unless you are one of the two or three people who diligently follow my blog (I am one of those people most of the time). So, now you're asking yourself, "what is he following up on?" or "sentencing for what and for whom?". (Who am I kidding; you're probably saying "who", not "whom", and you're wrong. Dead wrong. I'll deal with you when I finish conquering the Zulu.)

Almost one year ago, last October, I took a field trip to southern Utah (which you can read about here), and when I came back I found out that while I'd been gone I had been involved in an exciting high-speed police chase with shots fired, and I'd missed all the fun (you can read about it here). Not only did I miss out on my own police chase, I apparently missed the sentencing, too (and therefore the sentence!). Here's the story, from the newspaper a couple months ago:

Well, I have something to say, Rexburg Standard Journal. You still have my age wrong, and my middle initial, and my home town. Also, I absolutely do not drive a Silverado. I drive a blue Jeep. And if you ever tried to chase me, I would totally get away. You see, I am very good at Need for Speed: Most Wanted, and I know a few tricks (such as ramming cop cars head-on so they go flying and I speed through the roadblocks). Oh, and I didn't doctor the photo this time, so it totally doesn't look like me. At all. Also, I found more photos from the chase on the internet:

They tried to ram me off the road.

When ramming didn't work, the obvious next step is to try for deadly force.

The article from which I took these pictures said the chase started after a call of a domestic dispute and a pedestrian hit with the car. They found out later that no pedestrians were hit. The article states also that three cars were damaged in the chase: two Rexburg Police cars and one sheriff's car, completely neglecting to count the truck with the bullet through the windshield as a damaged car. Finding out these details, that the Rexburg Police would chase someone for hitting a pedestrian when none were hit, and that standard operating procedure in these cases is apparently shooting at the driver's head instead of the vehicle's tires, really instills in me great confidence in our local police force. It's too bad I missed out on all the action!

Pogonology

This is way overdue (two months overdue!), but I am finally getting around to posting pictures of my beard. In fact, here's a whole post on pogonology!

So, here's the full story. Back in 2004 I decided to grow a beard because I was tired of shaving. I liked the look, but it was uncomfortable; so I was going to shave it off, but my girlfriend (now my wife) liked it and talked me into keeping it. I got used to it, and kept a short beard until starting school at BYU-Idaho, where there is a lame rule against beards. There's no rule against mustaches, so if you want to grow one and look like a pedophile that's just fine, just so long as you don't have a beard. Never mind that Jesus had one, and all of the LDS church presidents from Brigham Young to George Albert Smith, and they're not against church policy... these days apparently they're evil or something. Okay, rant over...

Of course when you shave off a beard, you can't just shave it off... you've got to have some fun with it! So here is my beard as it was when I started school here, and various stages as I shaved it off (these were taken with a really bad camera):

Here's me at the beach in California with a beard a bit shorter than usual. There's a better picture on Facebook, but I can't seem to find it to post here, so here's the next best one.

This is me going for a white trash look, kind of Joe Dirt-ish.

Handlebars!

Cop mustache. Of course I had to grab my Airsoft gun.

Okay, now let's take a short break and watch an educational video about beards (this is worth watching all the way through).

Now back to the beards! Even though while I'm at school I can't technically keep my beard, I decided while I was out on my internship in the oil field I would see what I could do in about five months. So here is the result of neither shaving my beard nor cutting my hair from mid-December to the end of May:

My wife, my beard and me.

Since I did the goatee and handlebars thing last time, and there was so much more beard this time, I decided to go for something different as I shaved it off. The obvious choice was the Ambrose Burnside look! Despite my lack of receding hairline, I pulled it off pretty well, I think:

After that I carefully cut around the mustache, and curled it as best I could for an old west look. I technically could have kept this and been "legal" at BYU-Idaho, but mustaches get in the way of eating, and I prefer the full beard anyway:

This next one may be offensive to some... I couldn't resist trimming the mustache down to an "Adolf Hitler" look. And if I have a Hitler mustache, of course I have to do a Nazi salute, right? If my hair type was slightly more suited to a Hitler mustache, I would be very tempted to keep it just to make a point at how ridiculous the BYU-Idaho facial hair policy really is, since while even a well-trimmed beard is not allowed, any sort of mustache is okay. Here is my Adolf look:

Next time I can grow one I think I'll try for a year and see what happens. Now that I've shown off mine, here are a few other beards that I find impressive:

Óðinn (Odin, the "ð" is pronounced like the "th" in "then"), king of the Norse gods. He is one of my favorite mythical characters, and this is my favorite drawing of him and his awesome beard. A couple random facts: Odin was sometimes called Woden, and Wednesday is a modern version of "Woden's Day", so the modern pronunciation "Wends-day" is inaccurate and much less cool. Also, Odin is the inspiration of popular fictional characters such as Gandalf and Dumbledore, both of whom also have awesome beards.

My other favorite Norse god is Thor. He has a huge hammer, and a huge beard. I'm not sure which is a more effective weapon. Since I know someone will call me on it, this awesome picture with his intimidating mane is technically a picture of the German version of Thor, called Donner (Thunder). I wish I could call on thunder whenever I wanted it! I also wish I had that beard and hair. And build. And hammer.

Here's the other king of the gods, Zeus. The Greeks called him that, but the Romans called him Jupiter. He could also call lightning. My guess is he knew a lightning bolt was ready if all the hairs of his beard stood on end.

Leonardo DaVinci was a cool guy, with a cool beard. He also had a cool hat, but it has nothing to do with the beard.

Socrates (pronounced "so-crayts", for those of you who have never seen Bill & Ted) was very smart, at least partly because of his beard. He is also one of my favorite philosophers (my very favorite is Jack Handey, who I doesn't have a beard but is very funny).

Charles Darwin, another personal hero of mine, for both his beard and his contribution to science. Yes, I believe in natural selection and evolution, and yes, I'm probably going to Hell, but not for my belief in evolution or for growing a beard between semesters at BYU-Idaho. I'm most likely going to Hell for not liking the Osmonds and 90% of the rest of Mormon music.

Ludwig Boltzmann. Look at the photo. What's not to like? He was a physicist from Austria, so he probably had an awesome accent to go with that superb beard and intense facial expression.

Henri Becquerel. He was french, but I won't hold that against him because he discovered radioactivity and has an extra cool goatee.

Karl Marx. This guy is not a personal hero of mine, but I think our President is a fan. He's in this post because he had an awesome look, made complete by a very impressive beard. Ironically, you can buy his book at your local Barnes & Noble, thanks to capitalism.

Another crazy Marxist. With faces like that behind it, you'd think socialism would have been more successful!

Joseph Wilson Swan invented the incandescent light bulb. This is all the more impressive when you consider what a fire hazard that beard must have been in the lab.

Robert E. Lee would probably have lost his war if not for his beard. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of this next guy:

Abraham Lincoln. One of our greatest Presidents, and also one of the greatest chin curtain models.

I should note that the Union general had a pretty sweet beard, too. Here it is at its best.

Saddam Hussein. This is the kind of beard you get when you hide in a hole for a few months. Saddam and his very awesome beard have assumed room temperature thanks to the U.S. military.

You think I'm done? I've got more! As I say, anything worth doing is worth overdoing. More cool people with beards, or at least people with cool beards:

Jerry Garcia of The Greatful Dead. When I had my beard, I was told I looked like this guy. I think I needed longer hair to go with my beard. Also, I can't play the guitar.

Bob Marley was better known for his dreadlocks than his beard, but he had one. I'm mostly using that as an excuse to post this most awesome photo of one of my favorite musicians. I wish I could pull off dreadlocks.

Johan Strauss. His music is somewhat famous, because of his sideburns.

Billy Gibbons. He's on the other end of the musical spectrum from Strauss, but both his music and his beard are famous.

Chuck Norris. I couldn't resist. This is an example of a really funny-looking beard. Then again, he's a funny-looking man. His beard really bothers me, almost to the point of pogonophobia. But not quite.

Robert Jordan. This guy is a real hero of mine, and not just because he makes a beard look good. His real name was James Rigney. When he served in Vietnam he shot down a rocket-propelled grenade headed for the helicopter he's in. He's best known, though, for writing the Wheel of Time series. This series is very long, but very good, and he died with the final book half finished. Brandon Sanderson was chosen to finish the series from Jordan's notes. Sanderson doesn't have a beard, but he's a good author anyway, and the series should end well.

Orson Welles wrote and directed weird movies. With that beard and extra intense expression he could fit right in with Marx and Trotsky.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore had an epic beard. If he hadn't already been dead when he fell off the tower, the wind resistance from the beard would have saved him. Dumbledore is also one of my all-time heroes, and was my favorite character in the Harry Potter series. My favorite Dumbledore quote, from The Chamber of Secrets: "It is our choices [...] that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

Hagrid also had a jealous-making beard.

Gandalf. I can't leave him out, he's another of my favorite fictional characters. My favorite Gandalf quote: "It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. What weather they shall have is not ours to rule."

Gimli. He was a short little guy, but had an awesome Viking-style braided beard.

And to wrap this bit up, one of the best beards ever belongs to bass player Leland Sklar:

Okay, so that was probably overkill. What a long post! I had fun doing the research for it, though. I hope it was worth taking the time to read it. Good thing it was mostly pictures!